I you can't do that and um I realize I think a couple years later that I was off the rails and I didn't know that until you know you start doing weird stuff I was no2 burst doing little tiny things Idealized I was in mourning and I was trying to deal with this I was trying to cope with this and I couldn't cope with it I was losing it and then one day I came home to my mom’s house and something happened and at the end of this I would tell you what it was cut its germane to this talk .